Ikkaku's Worst Nightmare
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: Ikkaku's worst nightmare, simply because everyone has one; but his worst nightmare comes breezing in to make his life miserable – loving sister-style.


A personal thank-you to my Beta-reader and source of endless inspiration, Symphony17, also known as Her Highness Symphony the 17th. A special thank-you also to all my loyal readers who inspire me every day with confidence. Your reviews mean a lot to me. ;)

* * *

"I'm not afraid of anything," Ikkaku said smugly, and crushed the spider under his boot. Yumichika made a face.

"That's so… unbeautiful," he complained. Ikkaku shrugged. Killing a spider wasn't exactly an art, and therefore did not need to be beautiful, not that Ikkaku ever cared much for looks. His best friend, on the other hand, was definitely another matter. Ikkaku was contemplating beautiful ways to kill a spider when his thoughts were interrupted by someone calling his name.

"Ikkaku, darling!" someone sang. Oh, no. Ikkaku recognized the voice. He had heard it constantly from the age of four, the one person who could (occasionally) best him in a fight, the one person who could make him tremble in fear as he was now doing, safely behind Yumichika of course, the one person whom he hated with every fiber of his being and couldn't do a thing about – Kiku Madarame, his younger sister.

"Kiku-chan!" Yumichika greeted brightly. He looked down at Ikkaku. "What are you doing? You can't hide under my robes; it'll make me look fat! Didn't you just say you're not afraid of anything?"

Ikkaku admitted it looked bad, but he'd rather fight a Menos Grande and lose to forever live in shame, rather than accept the slow, painful killing method known as 'sibling love.' Speak of the devil, here it comes.

"Ikkaku, nii-san, how are you?" sang Kiku, gathering up her brother in a rib-crushing hug. Her strength had not wavered since the last time Ikkaku saw her, he admitted mentally, his eyes bulging.

"And Yumichika, darling! Looking beautiful as always," Kiku said, letting go of Ikkaku and allowing him to slip to the ground wheezing as she hugged his best friend.

"Of course," Yumichika said cheerfully, hugging back. Kiku let go and looked back down at her brother, grinning as though he had made her day. Knowing her, he probably had, and Kiku had done the exact opposite for her beloved older brother.

"Ikkaku, dear, why are you on the ground? You'll get all dirty," she asked curiously. Ikkaku bit back his witty retort and instead forced a crazed smile as he got up to face his worst nightmare, whose malevolent smile burst wider. Kiku clapped her hands excitedly and looked around.

"And where is Chiru-chan?" she asked animatedly, speaking, of course, of the Squad 11 Lieutenant Yachiru. Kiku probably had a bucket-load of confetti candy like always for the adorable pink-haired wonder. Ikkaku certainly wanted to divert her attention, but sadly he had no idea where the lieutenant was at the moment. Oh, well. She'd be here as soon as her 'candy radar' perked up.

"Oh, well," Kiku said suddenly. "Kaku-chan, you'll join Yumichika and me for some spring cleaning like always, won't you?"

This part Yumichika loved. Whenever she came to visit, Kiku allowed him to rummage through her stuff and throw out anything unstylish or ugly. Ikkaku didn't know why either of them put up with it, but they seemed to actually enjoy their time together. Ikkaku seriously hoped that his best friend would not betray him by marrying his sister someday. Kiku Ayasegawa. Ugh.

"No, thank you," Ikkaku said. Now he needed an excuse, and training didn't work because Kiku loved training with him and kicking his butt. "I'm… going to the hot spring today," he invented, and his best friend's jaw dropped.

"Ikkaku," he said chidingly. "Why didn't you tell me? What a momentous occasion! You… are taking a bath… for the first time! Hallelujah!"

"Oh, Ikkaku," Kiku simpered. "Is it for me? You shouldn't, Ikkaku; don't risk your Squad 11 manly stink, not for me, nii-san!"

Ikkaku ground his teeth together. There was no way he was going to take a bath, but if it meant going someplace private to gripe, then okay, maybe a bath wasn't so bad. Knowing Kiku, however, she'd be there with a rubber ducky and a bar of soap waiting for him, or one of those animal-print hooded towels when he got out. Honestly, nothing was sacred around her.

"It's not for you," Ikkaku assure Kiku.

"Kaku-chan, I'll get the bath salts," Kiku said excitedly. "I have strawberry-scented body wash and plenty of bubble soap!"

Inside, Ikkaku was screaming and sobbing uncontrollably, but somehow he was able to keep the crazed grin on his face on the outside. One eye twitched uncontrollably, but went unnoticed by Kiku.

"You do that," he said through gritted teeth. Kiku nodded, smiling, and skipped off. Ikkaku collapsed finally, hitting the ground face-first with a dull 'thunk' and not making an effort to get up. Yumichika looked down at him.

"The captain is coming this way," he said thoughtfully.

"So tell him you killed me," Ikkaku said, his voice muffled from the ground. Yumichika looked up at the quickly-approaching bulk of the Squad 11 captain and shrugged, then saluted as the captain passed by. The captain paused, taking in Yumichika's salute, his hand on his sword hilt, and his best friend on the ground in front of him.

"I killed him, captain," Yumichika confessed cheerfully.

"It's about time," Captain Kenpachi grumbled.

"Chika-chan!" Yachiru Kusajishi, bouncing up and down on the captain's shoulder, said accusingly. "How could you? Come on, Pachinko head, get up, speak to me! Don't let that mean old 'Chika get to you!"

"Old?" Yumichika asked, aghast. That was probably the only word he heard. Mean he could deal with, but… old?

Yachiru hopped off Kenpachi's shoulder and onto Ikkaku's back. There was a stifled wheeze. Yachiru hopped up and down, prompting Ikkaku's best impersonation of a bellows, before finally hopping to the ground. She couldn't resist it. His head was right there, sparkling in the sun, and Yachiru's twelve-year molars were coming in early.

"Argh!" Ikkaku exclaimed, leaping up. For a few moments, he ran around the courtyard futilely trying to get the little pink-haired girl, contentedly gnawing away, off of his head before he realized that Yumichika was giving him a pitying look and their captain was grinning. Drool slipped down Ikkaku's head as he scowled at the pair of them.

"Looks like you didn't finish the job," Captain Kenpachi said slowly with a sigh. He reached for his zanpakuto.

"Ken-chan!" someone exclaimed. There was a squeaking sound as Ikkaku's worst nightmare became his savior, momentarily. "Hold this for me, will you?"

A rubber ducky was shoved into a confused Squad 11 captain's hands, and then Kiku, back to being his worst nightmare, joined the fray.

"Me too!" she exclaimed, chasing after Ikkaku. Yachiru gave a spurt of bubbly laughter (her jaws still firmly locked around his head, Ikkaku noted) as Kiku caught up to Ikkaku, no matter how fast he tried to Flash Step away, until finally she tackled him. Yachiru let go to hug Kiku, throwing her arms around the 120-pound weight holding Ikkaku firmly to the ground. Kiku laughed and grinned as she hugged Yachiru back.

"Yachiru-chan, I have candy!" Kiku sang, pulling out the bag. Yachiru giggled giddily as she snatched the candy and got to work on a self-induced sugar-rush. Kiku looked down at Ikkaku underneath her, whose foot twitched, his tongue lolling out.

"Kaku-chan, I got the bath stuff!" she exclaimed, brandishing a net bag filled with bottles of bath items.

"Oops!" she said suddenly, as the net bag slipped out of her fingers, and Ikkaku's world went black as he was knocked out with a bottle of strawberry scented body wash.

* * *

"Kaku-chan! Kaku-chan, wake up! Are you okay? I'm so sorry!"

Ikkaku answered the questions with a groan, and Kiku threw her arms around him, sobbing as she further compressed his lungs. Ikkaku gave a slow wheeze as the breath was forced out of him.

"Want a candy?" Yachiru offered sweetly, holding out a small piece. Ikkaku closed his eyes. Was going back to being unconscious _really_ too much to ask? Ikkaku looked down at his chest and frowned.

"Why is there a lily between my hands?" He asked.

"We thought you were dead," Kiku said, her bottom lip quivering.

"It was beautiful," Yumichika said with a mournful sigh. Ikkaku scowled as he unfolded his hands and tossed the offending plant away. He sighed, leaning back contentedly, before a foot made contact with his ribs.

"Come on, Ikkaku!" Kiku drilled. "What about that bath? It's not over until the fat lady sings, don't you know it!"

"Yumichika," Ikkaku groaned as he struggled to sit up. Yumichika helped him up until Ikkaku could face him.

"Yes?" Yumichika asked.

"I need you… to…" Ikkaku paused, his eye shutting momentarily, his breathing ragged.

"Yes?" Yumichika asked eagerly.

"Find me a fat lady. She has to sing, but she doesn't have to sing well," Ikkaku finished. "Kidnap her and bring her here now, preferably before sundown. I will survive!"

"I can't think of anyone," Yumichika said, frowning. "There's Lieutenant Omaeda, of course, with the exception of gender…"

"So give him a dress," Ikkaku exclaimed, grasping Yumichika's collar. Yumichika choked. "This you must do, do you understand? My… dying… wish…"

"You're not dying," Kiku said cheerfully, slapping him on the back in a way that Ikkaku assumed was supposed to be comforting. Ikkaku's eyebrow twitched, and then he very slowly began to fall over backwards. Kiku caught him, her face filled with horror.

"I killed him!" she exclaimed.

"It'll take more than that to get Ikkaku to kick the bucket," Yumichika said cheerfully. He stood up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a chubby lieutenant to find and convince to wear a dress and sing something from opera. Shouldn't be too difficult."

"Good luck," Kiku wished him seriously. Yumichika paused, turned back in the doorway framed by moonlight, smiled, and spoke:

"We'll let Ikkaku know about our engagement when he comes to."

The End (…Or is it?)

….Meanwhile, on the other side of the Seireitei….

Lieutenant Marechiyo Omaeda of Squad 2 stepped loftily into the somewhat necessarily-spacious shower, his chubby hand reaching for the knob to turn on the water, and brandished his scrub brush. He cleared his throat, took a deep breath, and opened his mouth, his free hand poised dramatically over his heart.

"Think of me-e-e-e-e! Think of me fo-o-o-ondly, when we've said go-o-o-o-d-bye…"

**The End (Really)**


End file.
